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| Seems like I haven't been on here in years. Well it probably is because I haven't been on here in years. It's weird. Xanga used to be that thing that EVERYONE had. Then Myspace, then Facebook-which is slowly losing its appeal to me because everyone has one, and well its just gotten to be so spam like, the way myspace did. Xanga was that thing, and then it became my journal for all those really depressed times that I had, when I felt the only way to vent was sit in front of a computer, with tears streaming down my face, and type furiously all my problems and sorrows away. Now, I sit here at college typing about what was once a memory. I was so lost for awhile. Still am of course. But all of a sudden, seriously from the past month, I went from that feeling of drowning to somewhat floating. I had hope at those times and I knew I was loved, but the times that I truly believed that were very few. And now, just things have been going better. I finally after 2 years of absolute chaos and stress have figured out what I'm going to do with my life, or at least the many majors and minors I have to go through in order to get to it. I figured it out though. Don't really know how long this plan is going to last, but I have that feeling inside of me, that it is the right one. And with finding this out, I just feel so much less stressed. Even though right now I am at the library, and should be working on my 15ish page paper and presentation that is due on Monday, of which I have a page and half done (: /) and that in itself is causing me a lot of stress, but there's that inner chaos that has eleviated itself. Maybe I'll come back to xanga every now and then to capture down a happy moment or maybe a really depressing one (hopefully not) but maybe. I guess I won't delete this just yet. Now that I'm on it again, I feel like it's a part of me. Can't just rid of it that quickly. Myspace for some reason is just completely different. That I will delete right now. I guess it's just because this is the one place, that after everyone left, or even before, I spilled out my feelings on. It is truly/or at least was my journal, of which I feel like no one could really see, even when the whole world could see. Bye for now...hopefully the next time I'm on this, it's to report a happy news. Or just to check up on someone. Or maybe even in a few days, cuz I got drawn back into the powers of Xanga haha. Good times. | | |
| life is so hard right now. it seems like every other moment im breaking down. i feel like im getting stretched out in all sorts of ways. and im losing in them all. ive lost two of my best friends, and the other two are still there, but weve drifted and i know this actually is partially my fault. but the other two, its like i dont want to expect things from my friends, but its like everyone expects there friend to be willing to sacrifice for them, they dont have to but a friend is willing right? and its like im always sacrificing and no ones willing n im getting so worn out by it and its like im tired of having to apologize when ive done nothing wrong. for once id love to hear im sorry from allison. for once id love it to be about something that doesnt involve her. for once id wish shed acknowledge that my problems do exist and shes not the only one with problems. for once id wish that shed truly think about someone else. for once id wish that she would try and that i wouldn't have to. for once id wish shed care and realize how much ive sacrificed and done for her. the only thing i want in return is for her to acknowledge it and maybe once and awhile thank you. thank you for being there. thank you for always being there. thank you for being one of the few that actually stuck out this long. in the past year its been all about her, and all fights, and all silent treatments. i think the only time she was actually there for me this year, was when i was really upset at prom, and i cant help saying this but i loved it. i hadnt felt anything like that from her in so long, and it was a nice feeling. like two days later its like suck it up you have no problems. that one night was the one time in so long that she acknowledged that someone else but her had a problem. n caren well i just never felt more betrayed in my life on that night. and i want to be her friend again, but the only way i can be is if i confronted her once more and told her exactly how i felt that night, but i cant. im not strong enough and i hate confronting people. i really do feel alone. they were the two that i told all my problems too, and now its like i talk to myself. u no like i still have my other two, and i tell them things, but its like im never around so theyre never around, and only the really big things i tell them. these two that i lost i told like everything, because they were always there. n now its like i have to smile every second of the day n fake that everything is okay when i feel like im drowning in my own tears and depression. its really ironic that the friends that are the most distant always seem to notice when somethings wrong, even if i say nothing is, but those that are the closest, just believe me when i say nothing is. and i know thats not entirely their fault, but i find it odd. like other people know me better than those that are supposed to know me the most. | | |
| i always give advice for others about never giving up, never losing hope, and never losing faith. and i believe it wholeheartedly for them, n i do get a little annoyed when people can't understand it or believe it in the slightest bit...n thats where im a hypocrite, cuz i always lose hope, give up, and come really close to losing faith...so yea..but im thinking the more i tell others that and the more i believe that they should believe the concept, i will too | | |
| i am so tired of this, and for once its not about my parents. i know im a good person, i know that i have never ever tried to deliberately hurt someone, especially someone i cared about. i know that i don't deserve all that life throws at me. and i especially know that i don't deserve this, so why does it always happen to me? i always do just about everything i can to help others and make them happy, so then why does no one ever do that for me? when you call someone a best friend, it means you care about them, that you'd do anything for them, that you'll take care of them, that they mean so much more to you than everyone else around them. It does not mean that you go and backstab them, you do something that you should never do to anyone, to any friend, to any person you care about and especially not to your best friend. I helped her. I was always there for her. I always told her the truth. I was always there when she needed someone to talk to, to vent to, to cry on, to be with, and at the first chance she gets to hurt me, she takes it. there are all these people around me that have such a good life. I know its not perfect, but their family is happy, they care for each other, they have all these friends, they have all this love and luck around them, and yet they complain when their mom wants to spend more time with them. I don't have that, my family's not happy, my family does not care for each other, no matter what everyone else says, i have friends-but im starting to wonder whether i can trust all of them and whether they really are my friend, i dont have all that love and especially luck around me, and i do not complain about when my mom wants to spend more time with me because id love if she wanted to spend time with me without any strings attached. I try and be a good person. I try and help others. I try and go to church as much as i can. I try and do everything for those that I care about. So I know that I don't deserve all of this crap I always get. I trusted her. I really thought she cared. I really thought she was one of my best friends. I thought that she'd be there. I guess it was all a lie, and if it wasn't, she's the crappiest friend/best friend a person could ever ask for. I'm so tired of people taking advantage of me. I know I make it really easy for them, but does it mean that they have to always do it? I'm sorry god. But i am PISSED OFF. i am angry. i am furious. i don't care anymore if i curse because i don't understand how if you love me you would make me suffer like this all the time. It is not like i go out of my way to hurt people, because i don't do that at all. If i did, then i do deserve the things you throw at me. but im not, what have i ever done that is so wrong that i deserve all this fucking stuff that you throw at me. i know i don't deserve this. i know that i dont. so im tired of people making me feel like i do, and im tired of you making me feel like i do. because if you didn't think this, then you wouldn't do this to me. i know that there are people that have much worse lives than me. but there are also so many more people that have better ones. im just asking for some relief. it is always one blow after another. and finally when i find enough strength to get back up again, you throw me right back down. i was actually thinking that i might have a fun time this last weekend, and you turned it so that i would have the worst that i have ever had. everyone else has a great time, n i end up being the one that has the worst. i never, EVER wanted to be that girl that spends the night in the bathroom crying with people feeling bad for her, or in the hall yelling and cursing because she is so angry and you made me that person. if you hadnt given me the hope that it might be different, it wouldn't have hurt so bad. but i actually thought i might have a good time, nothing too wrong would happen, but i guess once again i was foolish to believe that someone out there might think i deserved something different than the usual. why always me? why for once couldn't i just be someone else? Can I ever have more than one day of happiness in a row. Is that too much to ask? "Nobody knows what they have until they lose it. You never leave the person whom you love for the one you like, because that person who you like will leave you for the person whom they love."-->so y couldnt she believe this im so done with this. this town. this life. this world. and her. so god, please, please just dont make me be done with anyone else. i dont think id be able to take it. actually. i know i wouldn't. n if you havent gotten the picture yet. prom sucked unbelief. worst night ever. worst night possible. worst night in general. | | |
| my dad...ahhhhh u dont understand how incredibly close i was to punching him in the face. he aggravates me so much, probably even more than my mother..its like one word out of his mouth just makes me have to hold onto my seat in order to stop myself from jumping at him. everyday that passes in this house makes me want to go to college more and more. i havent wanted to go to college because im scared of meeting new people, i know i become shy when i don't know anyone, and im unsure of the major i chose, n but the longer i stay here, college seems so amazing compared to this. its like i cant breathe here. i cant be myself. i cant be anyone that i like. i know the rules that apply to my friends and other people should apply to them: be nice, be respectful, be courteous, be truthful...but the second i see them or step into this house, those rules fly right out the window. i know they are people but as much as i know i should, i can't treat them like that, because they dont act anything like any person should. .. everyone always says the second you turn 18 or go to college your free, that is beyond the biggest lie ever. because ur parents still control you until you can support yourself without any of their help. .. people wonder why im drifting away from them, i did too, until i realized it was because this house always puts me in such a bad mood, that i know if i call or talk or hang out with someone ill most likely ruin their time n possibly take it out on them, n so i dont. i dont call, talk, hang out, all that stuff. n i miss it but i cant do that to other people, no matter how much i want to be with them. i was in such a good mood this morning, because yesterday was a good day, not too much drama, no homework, classes n teachers were fun, n then this morning i was as good as i can be in the house, n now i want to go shoot myself-dont worry i wont.. i just feel like i want to n should, cauz i cant take this anymore, i know i say that so often, but everytime i say it, i mean it with all my heart. i cant take this anymore, n i cant do anything about it too, because like i said they control me, i can make my whole life outside of here so cheery and happy and amazing, but the second i hear from them or see them, it just turns everything worthless. ive been drifting with my relationship with god too, n ive been trying so hard to not let it, but i cant, when my spirit gets as low as it does during these times, i still want to believe in him n i still want to have a strong relationship with him, but that doesnt happen, i drift n i lose him, n i just cant get back no matter what.. it takes such a long time, but i hate that time between wen i cant reach him like now, i feel so helpless n worthless n just why am i here, why do i have to suffer through this, im not strong enough to go through this anymore, everytime it just hurts so bad. n i need him, but i dont have him, or cant reach him, n i just cant why cant i just be strong enough to not care so much about them n just not let them have the effect on me that they do? i cant do this anymore i cant i don't want to | | |
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